A Republican committee in Minnesota has been caught creating an eBay-style auction site to sell access with politicians, including top lawmakers like Rep. John Kline (R-MN) and Rep. Erik Paulsen (R-MN), as well as State House Speaker Kurt Zellers (R-MN). With bidding starting at $250, the committee offered opportunities to “get up close and personal” with each lawmaker. The announcement for the auction was reportedly sent to area lobbyists.

Gambling? Is there anything better? The answer is no, and don’t let those little girlie-men Matt and Jason tell you any different.

Last week I mentioned one of my bets and joined another, but this one looks like the most fun:

…enter our sweepstakes to win a genuine Dubya Action Figure in full “Mission Accomplished” flightsuit! It’s only $2 to enter, which will be donated to charity (see rules) so just pick the date that you think most closely matches the one Karl Rove has deemed optimum for ‘capturing’ [Osama]

On second thought…charity? Action figure as a prize? Oh no.

This isn’t gambling, this is a raffle.

It’s been a while since those commie pinkos Matt and Jason started rejecting all of my writing submissions, but they can only hold me down for so long (especially when they are busy trying to be journalists.)

I gave away some free investment advice a while back, and have since rolled the profits into another sure thing: the re-election of our President George W. Bush.

Now it’s not in fashion around here, too many Democrats I guess, but my Iowa Electronic Markets contract for a Bush win over that Frenchman John Kerry has gone up nearly 40% including a 2-for-1 split when the price went up too much.

What does all of this mean? Not much really, I couldn’t care less who actually wins, I just want to make a profit on it. The real reason I bring this up is this:

PROMISING MY BOYFRIEND ANAL SEX IF KERRY WINS: It was an impulsive decision. There we were, viewing Zell Miller‘s speech through a post-coital haze, when I said it: “OK, I have a deal for you. If Kerry wins, I’ll do it…but as that day gets closer, despite poll numbers, I’ll admit it: I’m terrified.

Don’t worry shortstop. Your bottom is safe from any threat of intrusion. In fact, in a show of solidarity and the courage of my convictions, I will honor your terms with one lucky reader. No homo, of course.

So by now you’ve probably heard of the mighty Patriot Act II and it’s inexplicable redefinition of just about everyone who handles money as a “financial institution”

Now Matt and Jason have been whining about the first Patriot Act since day one, but a high roller such as myself has insufficient time for such Chicken Little alarmism. In fact, damn do those guys whine a lot. And I don’t know this new girl, but listen honey, I don’t want to read about your issues with the rest room. In fact, how on earth did I get lumped together with these hot-tubbers?

But anyway, back to John Ashcroft and his burning desire to be dictator. I’m pretty sure that my baccarat dealer is now technically a financial institution. With the amount of scratch that is in play when I sit down, that dude touches the equivalent of Zaire‘s GDP in just a few hours.

I’ve yet to read the whole bill, but I have heard that there are some other reclassifications.

My valet parking attendant is now classified as a NASCAR driver.
The guy who paints my condo is now classified as an artist. (He claims validation)
My fish tank cleaner is now classified as Jacques Cousteau.
The security guards who carry my cash-filled attaché are now classified as Delta Force.
The private detective who follows my ex-wife is now classified as an FBI agent.
And my Asian masseuse is now classified as a prostitute, doctor.

Three cheers for puritanical totalitarianism!

I look forward to Patriot Act III – The Clone Wars in early 2005.

I’m off to Lake Tahoe to do some skiing. But I feel the need to warn you:
Caesar’s Tahoe is nothing but a Super 8 with slot machines and marble statues of naked men.

But holmes is on some other shit when he starts kicking science like this:

“Unless hiring picks up and layoffs ease, assuaging the latent job security fears of many of those currently employed, the share of income spent could decline, a development that would hamper the vigor of the expansion.”

Translation: Niggaz who got jobs ain’t gonna spend no chedda when they think they gon’ be out on the street. This shit ain’t no good for anyone’s wallet getting fatter.

Greenspan:

“Recent budget deliberations are not encouraging. The current debate appears to be about how much to cut taxes or how much to increase spending. No significant constituency seems to support taking the actions that will be necessary to move toward, and one hopes achieve, budget balance.”

Translation: Congress be Congress. Some of dem bitches want to spend yo money, and some of dem bitches want to give it back to yo ass. What dey need to do is get their shit straight.

I think I’ve made my point.

Yo G-Dubs! When Greenspiz retires, put me on, kid.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t share my investment strategy with the general public, but I read about this one in a magazine, so it isn’t really mine.
Those know-nothing know-it-alls Matt and Jason would probably have you invest in some namby-pamby socially conscious fund that puts money in environmentally friendly, non-sweat shop, pro-worker companies.

Now, a high-roller such as myself doesn’t care about where the money goes as long as I get the juice. As soon as I heard about this fund, I knew I had a winner.

Alcohol? Check
Tobacco? Check
Gambling? Check
Aerospace and Defense? Since it’s included, who am I to turn it down.

“It is our philosophy that although often considered politically incorrect, these and similar industries and products…will continue to experience significant capital appreciation during good and bad markets. We consider these industries to be nearly ‘recession-proof.’” – Vice Fund Prospectus

Since I spend most of my time at Caesar’s Palace playing Texas Hold ‘Em, smoking a big fat Montecristo and slugging back glasses of Johnnie Walker Blue Label, this fund is perfect for me. All they need to do is figure out how to invest in the companies that make all of my bling, and I’d be fully covered.

So the whiners that run this site would probably say that I’m contributing to alcoholism, health problems associated with smoking, compulsive gambling, and war. Yeah, what’s your point, bitches? This fund has outperformed the market by 17% this year.

Now if you don’t mind, there are some cocktail waitresses that require my attention.