The headline listed under “Top Science and Environment Stories” reads: “Movie made by chimps shown on TV“. Could any American have read that and not thought instantly: “Man, these guys are decades behind us! We’ve been doing that forever.”

(If you click on that link, and look at the URL, you’ll find that ABC News classifies this as a technology story. How bizarre is that?)

I have for many years now studiously kept away from baseball. To the point that I don’t even know who the current commissioner of baseball is (whether it’s the same sorry twit who presided over this fake sport when I stopped paying attention in 2005), and I don’t even care to look it up.

But Alex Rodriguez‘s confession and so-called apology via ESPN for steroid use sneaked through my anti-baseball-news barriers, and has me frothing at the mouth again.

Would anyone at all please explain any or all of the following things to me:

— Why would any sensible adult ever take baseball seriously when it is abundantly clear that the only real game involved is users of banned substances staying one step ahead of current testing technology and rules in order to break hallowed records and taking home tens or hundreds (as the case may be) of fraudulently earned millions?

(I see that I forgot to insert “with the active assistance (by action and inaction) of MLB and the players’ union” into the preceding sentence.)

— Why would any sensible parent encourage their children to become baseball fans?

— Why is it that almost everyone in baseball regards the use of a corked bat as an unspeakable abomination but is barely offended by illegal steroid use?

— Why is it that MLB cannot even muster up enough outrage at illegal steroid use to wipe out all steroid-assisted “records” from the hallowed and sacrosanct record books?

— Why is it that Alex Rodriguez is not summarily fired and banned forever from baseball?

— Why is it that Alex Rodriguez is not sued all the way to the poorhouse and then some by baseball fans for premeditated fraud?

— Why is it that Alex Rodriguez is not sued all the way to the poorhouse and then some by the Texas Rangers and the New York Yankees for grand larceny?

— Who did/does Alex Rodriguez take acting lessons from?

— How funny is it that the mighty A-Rod was known in the Yankee clubhouse as A-Fraud? (Of course, no one knew that he was taking banned substances and he himself doesn’t know to this day what banned substance he was naive and negligent enough to take due to the enormous pressure of having to live up to the enormous expectations created by his supersize salary.)

You have this?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Only_Built_4_Cuban_Linx

Whitest email ever? Exactly what Rae and Ghost were thinking about when they birthed this classic in ’95.

Kidding aside, here’s the video for Raekwon‘s “Ice Cream” featuring Ghostface Killah, Cappadonna, and Method Man. Note that Cap is wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey.

“Black Mrs America, your name is Erica, right true..”

Next up at No. 1, Alabama. The Crimson Tide became the fifth team this season to sit atop the AP Top 25, moving up a spot Sunday after previously top-ranked Texas was toppled by Texas Tech.

Roll Tide!

“So, you lookin’ for a little grace, Lester? Some charity?”

So Lester is Wall Street, Mike is Congressional Dems/Bush/Paulson, and Gramma is apparently the House GOP. I’m having trouble figuring out who the hookers and the dog are supposed to be.

I desperately need to find a set of red long johns (nullus?) to go with my porkpie hat.

Paul Newman, the Academy-Award winning superstar who personified cool as the anti-hero of such films as “Hud,”"Cool Hand Luke” and “The Color of Money” — and as an activist, race car driver and popcorn impresario — has died. He was 83.

Felicia “Snoop” Pearson, the actress who played a cold-blooded killer of the same name on the HBO series The Wire, was arrested on minor drug charges yesterday after police picked her up for refusing to cooperate as a witness in a murder trial, records show.

Members of the homicide unit forced entry into the 28-year-old’s Northeast Baltimore home Wednesday morning to serve a “body attachment” warrant, which would allow authorities to detain her, if necessary, until the Sept. 16 murder trial of Steven James Lashley.

Once inside the home, police said, they found two cigars containing suspected marijuana in an upstairs bedroom, and “loose plant material” was recovered from the top of a kitchen cabinet. Pearson was charged with one count of drug possession yesterday and was being held at Central Booking.

Authorities said Pearson watched Lashley stab three men, killing one, after an argument that began outside New York Fried Chicken on The Block in the fall of 2005, and she is expected to be called as a witness during the trial.

Hopefully Snoop’s real life won’t end up like her character’s. “How my hair look, Mike?”

It is hilarious that the Baltimore Sun has to continue reporting on a show that mercilessly skewered it throughout its final season.

Thanks to Tom for the link.

Rap performers “Foxy Brown” and “Lil’ Kim” were sued by Simon & Schuster Inc. over claims they accepted tens of thousands of dollars in advances while failing to deliver books they promised to write.

The publishing house, a unit of CBS Corp., said in separate lawsuits filed yesterday in state court in New York that Brown, whose real name is Inga Marchand, and Lil’ Kim, whose real name is Kimberly Jones, signed contracts to write books.

Simon & Schuster said it paid Brown $75,000 under a 2006 contract for an autobiography tentatively titled “Broken Silence.” The publisher said Lil’ Kim signed a contract in 2004 and was paid $40,000 for an untitled novel.

“Both accepted the money and both books never were delivered,” Simon & Schuster spokesman Adam Rothberg said yesterday in a phone interview.

Apparently no one at Simon & Schuster knows what caveat emptor means. How could anyone expect Fox Boogie or the Queen Bee to write books? They don’t even write their own lyrics!

Apparently they’re all going to be on the Colbert Report tonight where Falafel Bill’s alter ego will accept the petition.

Anyway, listening to Nas talk about Obama in reverential tones of course reminded me of DMX‘s (rather divergent) views on the man. And speaking of Nas and DMX at the same time, it would be the height of irresponsibility to not mention the fact that they starred together in the finest cinematic achievement in the history of moving pictures, Belly.

Odd that in 1998, Nas’ star was on the wane while DMX seemed to be destined to rule the game for years. Fast forward to present day and Nas is firmly lodged (nullus?) in the all-time top five list, and DMX has been reduced to impersonating random dudes to avoid emergency room bills:

Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas said Tuesday a grand jury has charged DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, with one count of theft and one count of taking someone else’s identity.

Authorities say the 37-year-old Simmons went to Scottsdale’s Mayo Clinic in April and told staff his name was “Troy Jones” and received care with the intent of not paying.

I imagine that unless someone gets Earl/DMX/Troy into rehab pretty soon, he’s not going to make his 40th birthday. Maybe then Belly will find it’s audience…