John McCain has this secret plan to capture Osama bin Laden. He’s been harping on this since January, when he whispered conspiratorially that he has his “own ideas” about capturing bin Laden, ideas that only a President can pursue, since they “require implementation of certain policies and procedures that only as the president of the United States can be taken.” (He was already chanelling Sarah Palin back then?)

Last night — since he has nothing else to offer America — he emphatically repeated the same solemn pledge he made last June:

I’ll get Osama bin Laden, my friends. I know how to get him. I’ll get him no matter what and I know how to do it.

Nobody — not even one of his “my friends” — is allowed to ask why John “Country First” McCain doesn’t simply share his plan with the President now. Because if someone asks, McCain may erupt in a torrent of very bad words (as he is wont to do). Or, worse, burst into tears. While comprehensively wetting his pants.

But, thanks to our army of intrepid flies-on-the-wall, we at 1115 always know more than anyone else about the Secret Plans of Famous People. So you’ll be pleased to hear some other secret plans McCain has, that he will implement as soon as we conspire to make him the next President. To wit:
— Everyone above the age of 18 will be able to have whatever size penis or breasts they want. Overnight. For free. Without surgery. He knows how to get it done.
— Penile erectile dysfunction will be eradicated from the land. This will take a little while, unfortunately. Almost to the end of January 2009.
— Bloggers who never criticize McCain will be entitled to harvest, once a year, from the general population, one nubile young man or woman for their exclusive personal use, for a period not to exceed one week.

(At his age, all McCain really thinks about is sex. And he knows that sex sells. Even better than Terror.)