“I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year. . . for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.” – Woody Allen

I really tried to watch General David Petraeus‘ testimony this morning, and given the importance attached to it for the last six months, I feel bad that I didn’t make it much past his opening statement. I came close to my limit after watching Rep Duncan “Two types of fruit” Hunter assert that he “knows” that Petraeus’ testimony had no association with the administration, then go on to claim that Petraeus’ trademark is integrity, followed by the even more buffoonish Ileana Ros-Lehtinen‘s invocation of “The Greatest Generation” with regards to the soldiers in Iraq. After Petraeus opened up with his own statement assuring everyone that his testimony was his own, he followed up with more charts and graphs than a Ross Perot campaign event. I cried uncle and decided that a nice long bike ride by the bay was a better use of my time and better for my sanity.

I’m not going to argue the numbers because their basis is classified. I find this more than a little appalling because it amounts to a big game of “trust us,” played by people who long ago traded away their credibility, including Petraeus in his now-infamous election season Washington Post op-ed. Luckily I didn’t see Petraeus’ closing statement and only read about it later:

He closed by saying “it remains an enormous privilege to soldier again in Iraq with America’s new ‘Greatest Generation.’”

The Greatest Generation is a very specific phrase, and until now, I haven’t heard it used to describe anything but WWII-era soldiers and civic leaders. Ed Gillespie isn’t working at the White House for nothing, and this has his prints all over it. But that’s just a small tell in what has been one long elaborate bluff. Petraeus was hand picked to execute a think tank strategy the President had already bought. Given his willingness to shill (and be proven wrong), the idea that his testimony wasn’t coordinated with his commander-in-chief is laughable. Add to that this administration’s track record of micro-managing everything, down to its willingness to break the law in order to brief government agencies on politics, and you have reasonable doubt at the very least.

In a related point I’ve been meaning to make for a while now, I’ve been waiting for a linguist somewhere to comment on the importance of the General’s name being “Petraeus.” There have been a lot of commanders in the wars of the last six years. Tommy Franks even led both invasions. But none have been granted the near-mythic standing bestowed on Petraeus. Journalists and politicians who don’t even sit on the military committees speak of him in hushed tones, befitting a legend, or at least someone with a winning record. And for the better part of this year, everyone has been eagerly anticipating his report as if it would be instantly annexed into the Bible itself. It’s no coincidence that “Petraeus” sounds like a Greek or Roman god. Would all of Washington be hanging on the words of General Abizaid, General Shinseki, General Sanchez, General Odierno or General Shalikashvili? I don’t think this is a coincidence either. Hmmm…where else has a man’s name secured him an assignment…? Oh, right:

Colonel Cathcart: What’s your name?

Captain Major: Major, sir.

Colonel Cathcart: I didn’t ask your rank, I asked your name.

Captain Major: No..ah..no, sir. I’m a Captain. My..uh…my name is Major. Captain Major.

Colonel Cathcart: (to Colonel Korn) Just about as clear as mud, isn’t it.

Colonel Korn: (to Colonel Cathcart) That’s what it’s just about as clear as alright.

Colonel Cathcart: Well, listen Captain. Here’s the point: You’re familiar with Major DeLuth, the squadron commander?

Captain Major: Yes sir, he’s a fine man sir.

Colonel Cathcart: Was.

Captain Major: Uh…sir?

Colonel Cathcart: Major DeLuth is dead.

Captain Major: I’m extremely distraught to hear that sir.

Colonel Cathcart: You may be distraught, but he’s dead. Shot down over Perugia this afternoon. That’ll teach him to go fooling around on bombing missions when he’s supposed to be working in the office.

Captain Major: Sir, I don’t see what all…

Colonel Cathcart: It means we’re going to need a new squadron commander…

Colonel Korn: …and you’re the only Major available on our headquarters staff.

Captain Major: No, Major is my name, not my rank.

Colonel Cathcart: That’s close enough for me, Major. Consider yourself a Major now.

Captain Major: Sir, I…I don’t know anything about being a squadron commander.

Colonel Cathcart: We all have to make sacrifices Major.

*Thinking of defending Petraeus’ truthiness? Please be prepared to discuss the odds involved with “Greatest Generation” independently appearing in his statement and Ros-Lehtinen’s.