1115.org

Loyal readers may remember the good old days when 1115 would regularly report the results of original investigative reporting.

We may have stopped publishing these reports, but I never dismantled my network of undercover flies-on-the-wall and flies-in-the-ointment. They stayed in place like some cold war era spy network. Accidental field reports (e.g. webcams left on when they were thought to be off) indicate that they have even been breeding (yes, like flies).

Today, we proudly resume this proud tradition, by bringing you this exclusive scoop:
The White House has decided — that is to say they held a meeting of the White House chapter of the Regent University alumni association — that, starting after the fourth of July weekend, all Tony Snow press briefings will be broadcast live with a laugh track. Apparently, this development was spurred by Tony’s performance yesterday, when he addressed Bush’s latest stem cell bill veto.

Snow started by setting the record straight regarding Bush’s alleged opposition to stem cell research. The White House has been reluctant to talk about this in the past, for some reason, but Bush is not just a passionate supporter of embryonic stem cell research, he actually pioneered the field:

MR. SNOW: Well, what’s interesting is — again, the imprecision of this debate about stem cell research — the President supports stem cell research, let’s be clear. The President is the first person to make embryonic stem cell lines anywhere.

And here you thought all he makes is unjustified war! (Though it’s not clear where he made these embryonic stem cell lines. Is there a little basement laboratory in the Crawford “ranch”? Where Dr. George repairs to between bouts of reading Camus and Shakespeare?)

Snow continued:

Furthermore, this government has spent more money on stem cell research.

Ah, but he didn’t tell us more than what! Not to worry. We have investigated. Snow is right. That’s the truth. The government has spent more money on stem cell research than any hundred Guantanamo detainees you care to pick.

The President also has never declared it against the law to engage in embryonic stem cell research — he simply thinks it involves, as do many other people, the taking of a human life, and, therefore, …

… it doesn’t need to be illegal, since he’s a man of faith and we’re only talking about acts of murder? It just needs to be privately funded, doesn’t need to be illegal?

Now hang on just a second! Engaging in embryonic stem cell research involves the taking of a human life. Dr. George is the first person to make embryonic stem cell lines anywhere. Tony Snow has just copped to murder on the President’s behalf, hasn’t he? So that’s why the President has never declared it against the law! It’s to protect his own sorry ass.

Q Is there any way to try to kind of counter critics –

MR. SNOW: No, because I think what happens is the critics quite often who make those complaints are, whether deliberately or not, misstating the nature of the President’s commitment to stem cell research, and paying little or no heed or giving no credit to the President’s unique and unprecedented role in supporting stem cell research.

Just like his critics pay little or no heed or give no credit to the President’s unique and unprecedented role in liberating more than 600,000 Iraqis. From the burden of an intolerable life.

Could that be another reason why he has never declared it illegal to take a human life in the course of embryonic stem cell research? It’s the old people-in-glass-houses principle, the let-him-cast-the-first-stone concept? No hypocrite, our George. And a firm believer in the virtues of private enterprise too, including when it comes to financing the taking of a human life.

This may have well been the high point of the briefing:

MR. SNOW: Okay, stop right there. This actually is the President putting science before ideology.

It’s be interesting to see how they handle such statements in the future with the laugh track. There will definitely have to be a collective gasp first. And then what? Uproarious laughter and much hootin’ and hollerin’, punctuated by wolf-whistles?

There were other moments though that may call for different sound effects:

… it strikes me that that’s a way of saying we want to help get the most bang for our buck in saving human lives.

Tony really shouldn’t have gone there, should he? When you’re talking about a President who has bombed the number of innocent civilians to death that Bush has — in Iraq, in Afghanistan, including women and children — getting the most bang for our buck is just an unfortunate metaphor. They probably wouldn’t want to pipe out any laughter after that word-turd.

This administration continues to fund aggressively stem cell research involving blood cord adult stem cells and a lot of other lines, and now is encouraging people on the cutting edge of science to look for even new and exciting ways.

Except that people who are on the cutting edge of stem cell research are being encouraged to do this looking after slicing off one arm, tying the other one behind their back to their ankles, and gouging out one eye. And then turning out the lights. After blindfolding them first.

However, in case you’re tempted to agree with the two-thirds of Americans who think this whole stem cell policy of George W. Bush is stupid and wrong, you do need to first carefully consider the fact that scientists are “not even entirely sure about what the possible benefits of embryonic stem cells” are.

Let’s just leave it there. (Though, of course, Tony Snow didn’t. He went on, talking ungrammatical illogical unscientific gobbledygook with great aplomb, for a good long while.)