1115.org

The new proposed immigration bill is complicated. So naturally the best person to explain it to America is the President:

This bill is not an amnesty bill. If you want to scare the American people, what you say is, the bill is an amnesty bill. It’s not an amnesty bill. That’s empty political rhetoric, trying to frighten our fellow citizens. People in Congress need the courage to go back to their districts and explain exactly what this bill is all about, in order to put comprehensive immigration reform in place.

Let me explain how it works. Under the bill, those who want to stay in our country who have been here can apply for a Z visa. At some point in time, those who are coming to work will get temporary work visas. Those who have been here already can apply for a Z visa. To receive the visa, illegal workers must admit they violated the law and pay a meaningful penalty, pass a strict background check, hold a job, maintain a clean record, and eventually earn English — learn English. That’s how it works.

It says, if you want to be here, here’s what you have to do. There is a consequence for having broken the law. As a result of a recent Senate amendment, they have to pay back taxes if they haven’t paid taxes, too. You’re working hard, you pay taxes. People who have been here in this country ought to pay taxes. That’s what it says.

The hurdles to citizenship are going to be even higher. In other words, if somebody says, fine, I’ll take my Z visa, I’m out of the shadows now, I’ve got an opportunity to not hide in America. I’ll continue doing the work I’m doing, I’m going to keep my record clean. I’ll pay the penalties necessary so I can stay here — that’s what it says — but if you want to be a citizen, there’s more hurdles. It says, the Z visa worker would first have to pay an additional fine. In other words, you have broken the law and there’s a consequence for breaking the law. That’s what the bill says.

Mr. President, if we can just go back three spaces, please?

When you apply for a Z visa, at that point you admit you broke the law, and you pay a meaningful penalty for having broken the law. Okay, that sure feels like a consequence for breaking the law.

Now, if you decide you want to be a citizen, there’s an additional fine? Paid only by those who want to be citizens? Not by the rest of those who broke the same laws you did but who don’t want to be citizens?

Well, ain’t that the dangdest thing? It must be a consequence for breaking the law. Because the President of the United States — who surely cares about his credibility, and about speaking only the truth to the American people, right? — told us so. But you know what? It walks the exact same, and talks the exact same, as a consequence for wanting citizenship. Like a tax on citizenship, really. So it’s a real good thing that’s not what it actually is. Because we all know this President sure don’t stand for no new taxes. Not even on immigrants. And certainly not on immigrants who’re going to become citizens and therefore voters.

Resuming my normal speaking voice, they’ve thought this through, haven’t they? They’ve tested it in focus-groups and all?

Because here’s how it might look to someone who wanted to be skeptical. You’re talking to a group of people who have lived illegally in this country for years. Who know perfectly well that there is neither the political will nor the ability to hunt them down and turf them out if they just keep quietly doing what they do. And you’re saying to them: hey, come out the shadows, and become citizens, guys. We’ll fine you once, and we’ll fine you twice, and then you’ll have to go back “home to apply for a green card, and then you take your place behind those who have played by the rules and have been waiting in line, patiently, to become a citizen”, and then, boy oh boy, just like that, you’ll finally be a 100% bona fide U.S. citizen! Isn’t that neat?

Someone who wanted to be skeptical might think the response could well be underwhelming. Such a misbegotten cynic might even think the intention was to take citizenship and make it an offer you can’t accept.

Wouldn’t it be funny if even as the President was selling it to immigrants and the public as a fine and noble plan to allow illegal immigrants a real chance at earning citizenship, a wisdom-of-Solomon chance of redemption without amnesty, the President’s men were selectively selling it in the whispering galleries of Congress as a don’t-worry-no-one-will-ever-accept-it offer?