Maybe you have been called up for jury duty at some point in your life? Maybe you were tempted to make some lame excuse, but thought better of it, and just went quietly and did your civic duty? Maybe you sat through other people pitching their lame excuses at the judge, and were impressed and reassured at how our justice system brooks no bullshit?

Well, let me tell you something: if you worked for Alberto Gonzales‘ Justice Department, you’d never have to show up for jury duty in your life. Not even to make up your own lame excuses. They have some kind of Deputy Assistant Attorney General, whose job it is to submit excuses on your behalf. He’ll write in and tell them that it’s just inconvenient for you to do jury duty right now, because you have long-standing plans to be on vacation. But they’ll be happy, nay eager, to find a mutually agreeable date in the future on which you can show up to do jury duty.

Or maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe they do it only for congressional summons:

The Honorable Patrick Leahy
Chairman
Committee on the Judiciary
United States Senate
Washington, D.C. 20510

Dear Mr. Chairman:

This responds to your letter of May 8 inviting Bradley J. Schlozman to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee on Tuesday May 15, at 10:OO A.M.

As I informed your staff and staff for Senator Schumer on May 9, Mr. Schlozman will not be able to testify on that date, as he will be on annual leave the weeks of May 14 and May 21. Additionally, it is our understanding that the Committee plans to inquire into matters handled by Mr. Schlozman when he worked in the Civil Rights Division, in which he has not served for nearly 14 months. Therefore, he will need some time to prepare to answer questions relative to the issues identified in your letter in order to be responsive to the questions Members of the Committee will have for him.

The Department has worked to accommodate the Committee’s scheduling requests and has not only voluntarily made available to the Committee for hearings and/or interviews everyone the Committee has thus far requested but also largely on the Committee’s timetable. In accordance with the Department’s consistent accommodation of the Committee’s requests, Mr. Schlozman will voluntarily appear as a witness before the Committee. As noted above, however, Mr. Schlozman will be on annual leave for the next two weeks. For one of those weeks, he has long-standing plans to be out of town.

Because of his leave and travel plans and the need to prepare for the hearing, Mr. Schlozman is prepared to appear voluntarily to testify at a hearing before the Committee on a mutually convenient date during the first week the Senate returns from the Memorial Day recess, the week of June 4.

We apologize for the delay that Mr. Schlozman’s schedule creates for the Committee’s hearing. We are eager to meet the Committee’s needs, and if we had received a call before the Committee sent its hearing-notice letter, we could have inquired about Mr. Schlozman’s availability and accommodated our mutual scheduling interests prior to the scheduling of the hearing. We look forward to finding a mutually agreeable date on which Mr. Schlozman may testify during the week of June 4.

Please do not hesitate to contact the Department if we can be of assistance in other
matters.

Sincerely,
Richard A. Hertling
Principal Deputy Assistant Attorney General

I didn’t make this up. I swear.