I’m just in awe of General Alberto “Buttercheeks” Gonzalez.

As for the nickname, don’t ask. I wouldn’t give up the secret even if you water-boarded me. All I’m going to say is a man doesn’t have just two cheeks.

This man is just effing awesome. If he were in jail, the entire prison population of Texas would want him as their cellmate.

He totally kicks ass. He has proudly done things no Attorney General will ever do again.

Let me count the ways, though no mere list can ever do justice to his outrageously sexy genius.

He lies with impunity to the public, for example in op-ed pieces in USA Today.

He lied with impunity and respectful sincerity to congressional committees in a Republican-controlled Congress, where the fix was in when he testified, and he didn’t have to testify under oath. (Because, you know, it is unthinkable that such a brave and decorated General with such a proud tradition of military service would not be an officer and a gentleman, would not tell the truth.)

He lies with impunity and enthusiasm to the press, on an ongoing basis.

What can I say? This man is really, really good at lying. (As for what he can do lying down, let’s just leave it at “you have absolutely no idea!”) If lying was an Olympic event, he’d always be a gold medal favorite. And, of course, Team USA would sweep the medals every single year.

Then there’s the whole issue of faking it. Is he great at that, or what? You name it, he’ll fake it. Respectful sincerity. Sincere respect. The whole business of living up to his oath of office.

Lip service. He gives great lip service. To freedom, democracy, civil liberties, to truth and justice, to all the great principles that this mighty nation was founded on. You name it, you show it to the General, and the General will put his lips to work.

And has there ever before been an Attorney General who is to the constitution as a serial rapist is to women? An Attorney General who openly presided over torture and kidnapping, who turned them into officially sanctioned instruments of state policy? (Ooh, the man is so deliciously kinky!) An Attorney General who personally stabbed habeas corpus to death? When the investigating detectives examined the body, the consensus was that the number of stab wounds, so many of which were inflicted long after death, clearly labeled it a crime of passion.

Don’t even get me started on voyeurism. Buttercheeks is the peeping toms’ peeping tom. How the man gets off on peeping through our windows. And he does it every which way that 21st century technology will allow. In fact, he has opened more windows on our lives than anyone since Billy Gates.

No wonder he has such a cavalier attitude to the prosecutor purge scandal. The man has got away with so much already, firing eight U.S. Attorneys for being unwilling to use the power of their positions for partisan political purposes literally counts for nothing.