Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Michael Hagee, at a Pentagon briefing on Wednesday, referring to the Haditha massacre, as well as allegations of the killing of an Iraqi civilian in the village of Hamandiyah on April 26:

“Make no mistake, a Marine who has been found to have violated our standards will be held accountable. It is an important part of who we are, and all Marines expect it. High standards and accountability define Marines,” Hagee said.

Man, if those guys are found guilty of half the things the semi-official leaks describe, the Marine Corps will be hard put to it to come up with a punishment severe enough to fit the crime. These would, after all, at that point, be the people to have committed the first war crimes in the proud and previously unblemished history of the Marine Corps, the guys who indelibly stain the honor of the Marines forever.

After this, if you tap the proudest Marine on the shoulder and spit in his face and say “Semper bloody fi”, he would just have to look down in shame and turn away, instead of punching your bloody lights out without a moment’s hesitation.

What punishment do you prescribe for marines who bring this much shame and dishonor on what has undoubtedly been one of the justifiably proudest military traditions in the history of the world?

Here’s my suggestion: To be hanged by the neck until dead, then to be drawn-and-quartered, then to be executed by firing squad without benefit of a blindfold, and then – in a personal concession to Jamie Beth – made to walk the plank in shark infested waters after being rubbed from head to toe with the strongest shark lure known to man. All of that to be preceded by an in-camera half-hour no-holds-barred session with each Abu Ghraib detainee pictured in the infamous photographs. All of that to be beamed live by closed circuit TV to every marine in the Marine Corps, assembled to view the same as part of their ongoing sensitivity and ethics training.

I hope everyone noticed that – in a personal concession to Lieut. Colonel Michelle Martin-Hing – I didn’t pre-judge the issue. I prefaced all the preceding remarks by saying “if those guys are found guilty”. So the entire riff was just a hypotheatrical (that’s inspired by Matt’s ‘strategery” from yesterday).

And, to doubly cover myself, let it be known that all the preceding remarks were made privately, not in an official capacity, and I hereby decline to be identified in view of the sensitivity of the issue. There. Even a Lt. Col. in the military, with official spokeswoman experience under her belt, couldn’t have done that any better, I don’t think.