1115.org

(1)
Hu is he? Hu, Hu… Hu, Hu…
The owner of the free world? We think we’re the head honchos of the free world, but China owns a large chunk of us. (And why did he come here, anyway? To inspect his holdings?)

(2)
Partial Lobotomy
If Karl Rove is Bush’s brain, and he has been stripped of part of his duties, does that mean that Bush has been subjected to a partial lobotomy? Did he sign himself in, or was he dragged to it kicking and screaming? (Who dragged him? Was he screaming for “Mother” or for “Laura”?)

(3)
Who needs Social Security Reform?
Are you as fed up as I am of hearing the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes baby referred to as a kitten? If so, send me a dollar in the mail. (Oh, how I wish that “silent birth” meant media silence about the birth.)

(4)
Why Scottie Resigned
This is an exclusive. You won’t get it on CNN. Or Fox. For years now, Scottie’s good-night prayer has included this ritual: “Dear God! Thank you for seeing me through yet another day. Did I cross the line by telling too many lies today? Or did I tell too big a lie to forgive? If you answered yes to either question, Lord, please smite that trash-basket in the corner with a small bolt of lightnin’.” This was always followed by a long pause. Scottie simply got to the point where he couldn’t stand the suspense any more. Or putting it baldly, Scottie left ‘cos his nerves was shot. If there’s any justice in this world, they’ll classify it as post-traumatic stress disorder, and he’ll qualify for full benefits. After all, he was in the line of fire long enough.

(5)
Keith Olbermann Falls From Grace
I was fully prepared for Olbermann to do his my-producers-forced-me-again story about the Cruise-Holmes baby. I was even prepared to forgive him if I heard the word “kitten”. But to find him displaying abysmal cross-cultural ignorance in the process just added insult to injury. Suri means “pointy nose” in Hindu, Keith? Hindu is a religion, buddy; the language is Hindi. (Expect to be at the receiving end of an onslaught of cyber-attacks by angry Indian computer geeks, Keith. Trust me, “woman scorned” isn’t even in the same league as “Hindu insulted” when it comes to “hell hath no fury”. I fully expect to see someone subbing for you on Thursday.)