1115.org

My dear Scooter,

I hope you don’t mind if I take the liberty of calling you Scooter! It’s just too sweet a name not to use. I have been wanting to write for quite a while, but you know how it is. (In case you don’t, a woman’s work is never done!)

I just wanted to send you some money for your legal defense fund. Enclosed is a check for $25, which is all I can afford in these hard times, but I know you know it’s the thought that counts, and I’m certainly right there with you in spirit.

Just as an aside, everyone says you are very smart. Maybe you can explain to me why I’m doing so much worse financially when the economy has been growing so nicely, and with all these millions of new jobs being added etc. (And don’t you dare just make a “growing pains” joke and leave it at that, young man. I want a real explanation, if you don’t mind. Particularly since no one else can explain it to me.)

I must say I really like all these defense strategies your team has come up with. If you try enough things, one of them is bound to work, I always say. And even if it doesn’t, at least you tried everything, which is all we can do really, isn’t it? It’s always been a comfort to me to know that I left no stone unturned.

What a stroke of imagination to ask for the case to be dismissed because Patrick Fitzgerald is illegitimate, so to speak (a legal bastard, if you get my drift, hehehe, and pardon my French). Even if it doesn’t work, that’s really showing the so-and-so!

You know, for a while I tried saying “pardon my Freedom” but most people didn’t get it, for some reason. And now, of course, the French seem to be our good friends again. International politics (Or do I mean, diplomacy? What’s the difference, anyway?) is so confusing, isn’t it? I never did read anything about it in the papers after all the fuss died down, so maybe you can find out and let me know: are they officially called French Fries again on Capitol Hill?

But back to what I was saying, I think I also approve of this other argument they’re talking about in the press. You know, that you were too busy with your important duties to remember unimportant details about the Plame case, like who said what to you when, and who you said what to and when, and what happened before what, and what happened after what. (See it’s confusing just to talk about it, maybe the jury will see that it must have been so much more confusing to actually live it.) I do think I approve of this tactic overall, but I’m just not so sure if it’ll work. I mean if it were me on trial, I’m sure they would be able to see at once how hard it is to keep everything straight. But it may work against you that everyone keeps saying you are so smart. I suppose it’s too late to start dumbing down your public image? And I don’t think all the TV people are helping any by always showing you grinning and smirking when they talk about developments in the case.

Of course, it may also work against you that you’re a lawyer. I mean it’s easy for me to stand there and say that I was confused, and it was so unimportant in the larger scheme of things that I just said whatever I thought I remembered, and it’s not very surprising if I misremembered a few things. But I can see that Mr. Fitzgerald twisting everything around horribly to say that as a lawyer, and especially as one of the smartest lawyers in Washington, you should have known that if you’re confused or you don’t remember, then you say you are confused or don’t remember, you don’t say whatever pops into your head and hope it’s right. And I guess you absolutely don’t say “yes, I’m sure” while you’re saying it, but you did, didn’t you? Oh dear!

I do so wish that in your testimony or deposition or whatever it was, you had scratched your head a bit and shown some hesitation, instead of answering everything confidently and crisply like you did, as if it was all crystal clear in your mind. It’s kind of hard to argue that you were confused if you didn’t act confused at the time, if you see what I mean. But I’m sure your defense team knows what it’s doing, and intends to earn every dollar of the money you are raising to pay them, so if I were you I wouldn’t worry based on anything I just said (oh dear, that got all confused again, didn’t it?)

You know what I like most, though, about this “I’m so busy doing the nation’s work” defense, though? If it works, our enemies won’t be able to persecute anyone else in the administration using these perjury witch-hunts. I’m sure that will be a big relief to anyone else who turns out to have been too busy with affairs of state to get every last detail right.

So hang in there, and keep fighting the good fight. Just try not to smirk and look cocky, at least not on camera. And maybe it’s still not too late to start looking and sounding confused?

With sincere best wishes,
Sarabeth