From P. C. U. (1994)
Droz: Hi, is Sam in there?
Womynist #1: “In there?” What’s that supposed to mean?
Womynist #2: Yeah, cock-man-oppressor!
Droz: Why, thank you. Well, maybe one of you could tell her that Mr. Pokey stopped by.
Womynist #1: What the hell was that: Mr. Pokey?
Womynist #2: I think he meant his phallus.
Womynist #1: You participated in a phallus naming?
Dear phallocentric rock geeks,
Can I persuade you to lift your eyes from your navels long enough to comprehend the fact that the past few decades have featured many significant musical artists who don’t – I know this must be scary for you, but bear with me – have penises? May I recommend, to name just a few: PJ Harvey, Peaches, Tori Amos, Cat Power, Hole, Patti Smith, Garbage, Blondie, The Carpenters, TLC, Joni Mitchell, Carole King, Donna Summer, Sleater Kinney?
Love, Emma x
Dearest Emma,
Like all cock-man-oppressors, I find it horrifying that not everyone else in the world has a penis. Obviously the more penises the better, which is why Wu-Tang Clan heads up my list of favorite songs: They have nine (eight living, and one dearly departed.) I join you in castigating the lead phallocentric rock geek Matthew Tobey. Your ability to ferret out his misogyny is without peer, and all the more impressive because you were not privy to his instructions: “Pick your favorite songs but by all means keep the non-penis-having entries to a bare minimum. We can’t allow them the added publicity and stature that comes with inclusion on a list of such importance.” He is a petty, vindictive man.
After giving your suggestion it’s due weight, I decided to re-order my CD collection by percentage of female involvement. Ties will of course be broken by how many womyn were in the studio during the recording sessions. While I’m busy with that, maybe you could give Steve Jobs a ring and ask him if the next version of iTunes could include a field for indicating absence or presence of a penis. This would be very helpful in keeping things segregated on my computer.
In the meantime I will make sure to adjust my own personal listening patterns to bring them more in line with the general population’s demographic distribution. This will be more difficult than I had hoped, but luckily Amoeba has a wide selection. With luck, they will be able to help me reduce my percentage of hip hop and Austrian downtempo while picking up some Lillith Fair staples and perhaps some Japanese taiko and Icelandic yodeling. In time, I believe I can have a veritable United Nations in my CD racks.
Words can’t properly express my gratitude to you for pointing out my defective preferences. I’m sure my politics could use a similar audit, maybe focusing on the fact that I did not support Carol Mosley-Braun for the Democratic Presidential nomination.
With my phallus between my legs,
Matt Cohen
1115.org
P.S. Thanks for clearing up Peaches’ gender for me. That beard really threw me, and her shocking lack of talent dissuaded me from further investigation.
P.P.S. If you’re going to pop shots from the sideline, open your fucking comments.