Posted by Munee Cashilini

It’s been a while since those commie pinkos Matt and Jason started rejecting all of my writing submissions, but they can only hold me down for so long (especially when they are busy trying to be journalists.)

I gave away some free investment advice a while back, and have since rolled the profits into another sure thing: the re-election of our President George W. Bush.

Now it’s not in fashion around here, too many Democrats I guess, but my Iowa Electronic Markets contract for a Bush win over that Frenchman John Kerry has gone up nearly 40% including a 2-for-1 split when the price went up too much.

What does all of this mean? Not much really, I couldn’t care less who actually wins, I just want to make a profit on it. The real reason I bring this up is this:

PROMISING MY BOYFRIEND ANAL SEX IF KERRY WINS: It was an impulsive decision. There we were, viewing Zell Miller‘s speech through a post-coital haze, when I said it: “OK, I have a deal for you. If Kerry wins, I’ll do it…but as that day gets closer, despite poll numbers, I’ll admit it: I’m terrified.

Don’t worry shortstop. Your bottom is safe from any threat of intrusion. In fact, in a show of solidarity and the courage of my convictions, I will honor your terms with one lucky reader. No homo, of course.