1115.org

As usual, I performed my civic duty and watched Dear Leader’s speech on Monday. Unlike the last few trainwrecks, the latest speech was very good if you could tolerate the repetition and disregard the facts on the ground in Iraq. And since about half of the voters disregard all the facts where the President is concerned, he probably picked up some points.

After falling off of his tricycle bicycle the day before the speech, the President was wearing more makeup than a Geisha. He’s really lucky that this wasn’t another anti gay marriage speech. He would have lacked credibility on the issue looking like he just hit the M·A·C store with Carson Kressley.

Speaking of the President’s latest display of physical prowess, our New York bureau finally returned a phone call. Their suggestion was that Dear Leader should be subject to the same kind of contract that professional athletes have to sign promising not to risk their health in physical activities not related to what they get paid for. I still can’t figure out what George W. Bush gets paid for, but I’m calling for a Constitutional amendment prohibiting him from using a Segway, eating pretzels, and apparently even jogging.

Turning back to the “substance” of the speech, here is the word count from the transcript:

school………………………..3
hospital………………………3
terror……………………….19
freedom……………………..7
June 30th……………………4
sovereignty………………..10
troops/soldiers……………14
support………………………9
enemy……………………..16

Error…………………………0
Mistake………………………0
Taking responsibility……..0
Fubar………………………..0
Clusterfuck…………………0

It is clear that terror and enemy are more important than, umm, admitting mistakes and accepting the consequences of his actions. That’s to be expected, and is hardy new. What was new was the emphasis on sovereignty (repeated 10 times). Obviously the President didn’t mean sovereignty in the sense that we would be giving full control of Iraq to Iraqis, because the same day administration officials were quite busy making the point that American troops would remain under American command.

The 1115.org research department did some digging and came up with the following possibilities of what sovereignty for the Iraqis might look like.

The finalists are the Jaguar Sovereign, the Viceroy Sovereign Butterfly, Sovereign gold coins, or Sovereign Bank.

With all the talk of the growing markets in Iraq, the smart money is on the bank.

I know you all share my anticipation for the rest of this series of speeches. It usually takes me three or four tries to fully comprehend empty promises and meaningless platitudes. It may take all six this time around.