1115.org

Having extended interview requests to the three major candidates, we were shocked when we finally received an affirmative response. Interestingly enough, that response wasn’t from one of the campaigns that we contacted. Nevertheless, we are proud (not to mention horrified) to bring you the men who put the “horse” in “darkhorse” in their own words. Obvs. You can keep up with the daily operations of the campaign here.

If you have a weak stomach, are a member of Congress, or are easily (or not so easily) offended, do us all a favor and stop reading.

Otherwise, revel in the buzz…

Much like Former Democratic Front Runner ™ Howard Dean, you have no real foreign policy experience. 1115.org has uncovered some previously classified FBI files that show you have made several trips to Afghanistan, Turkmenistan and Obvsistan to purchase hashish and black tar heroin. Can you translate this experience into credibility on international relations?

Peabs: Peabs’ll take this one, Coz. Shmears. It’s fobvs that the ability to obtain such substances as hashish and… yummmmmmmy…. black tar heroin in countries other than America is substancially easier. What that particular file you speak of did not touch upon is the fact that yours effing truly, and Dr. Bill Cosby love to share in the love. Long before there was ever a 9/11, or any sort of hatred between Afghanistan and the United States, I used to shoot up with Osama Bin Laden. Then Peabs’ modeling career took off, and our “relationship” diminished. I still feel that, if Peabs is elected President, Bin Laden will have no problem coming out of hiding, as long as Peabs promises him one of those great smack hits he surely misses from years passed. Bovs on your tees, Osama, you fucking Hojo. Right, Coz?

Coz: Flizzum bozzle! Flozzle!

As both of you know, AIDS is one of the largest public health pandemics the
world has ever known. How can you reassure voters that you can make progress on this issue when (due to your pro-unprotected-sex-with-prostitutes policy and your pro-intravenous-drug-use stance) so many of them think that you are part of the problem rather than the solution?

Peabs: How are we the problem? Certainly, Peabs uses intravenous drugs on a daily, if not habitual, basis, but Cosby makes sure the needles are clean. You see, Matt, he’s a doctor. As am I, but, let’s be honest here; Peabs is more of a politician than a doctor. Schmobvs. As for the blantant fucking of diseased whores? Well, don’t knock it ’til you tried it. Peabs understands how some people may be fragile on this subject, but Cosby came up with a great marketing idea to educate the American people on the threat of AIDS. Tell them your brills slogan, Coz…

Coz: If you don’t want the flizzum, don’t bozzle the flazzum!

Peabs: Fucking genius. Obvs.

Current polls show John Kerry at 48%, George W. Bush at 48% and Ralph Nader at 4%. Since Bill Cosby is a noted statistician and medical doctor, what is your plan to make an impact in these numbers?

Peabs: Where the fuck did you get those numbers? They’re nothing but lies, I tell you. Lies! Last Peabs checked, we were somewhere around 80%, but I could be mistaken with the percentage of American who abhor our views on just about everything. Which is equally hot, and makes me wanna fuck Cree Summer.

Coz: Yooooooooou’ve gots to know I hit that!

Recent days have seen scandalous (even by the standards of the Peabs/Cos
campaign) rumors regarding the respective (though apparently not
respectable) wives of the two front runners. Are any of these rumors true?
If so, do you think that turning out these two women bodes well for your
campaign?

Peabs: Obvs, they’re true. Sure, it’s effing clear I’m a dillusional and maniacal genius. But even Peabs couldn’t make that shit up.

Coz: I love yooooooooooooooooou Laura!

Peabs: Do I think it bodes well for the campaign? It certainly cannot hurt. Looks mean everything, Matt. Our supporters love us because we’re fucking pretty. Gorgeous. I mean , shmears. My ass hair is more attractive than Clooney, even during the Roseanne years. Bovs. What the American public will do, upon seeing how the wives of our respective candidates chose to engage in drug abuse and dirty, filthy, memorable effing with Peabs and Cosby, rather than their own husbands, is obvs vote for the prettiest. Laura and Teresa did. Shit, Laura won’t stop text-messaging Coz. And who can blame her? That guy’s got a cock the size of Mount Vesuvius. Hogsviously.

We’ve heard rumors regarding possible cabinet appointments. Keeping in mind that it is currently illegal to promise future jobs during a campaign, who
would be on your short list of top advisors?

Peabs: Corey Haim. Maybe Liberace, if he’s feeling up to it. That motherfucker can sure play piano. Who do you think, Dr. Bill Cosby?

Coz: (pointing to Matt, and rubbing Jell-O on his face) Yooooooooooooooou!!!!!

As you know, the US economy is in bad shape. Your ideas on economic
stimulus (low cost recreational drugs to spur fast food sales,
decriminalization of prostitution in order to raise tax revenue etc) are
certainly novel, but what proof do you have that these policies will be
effective?

Peabs: Have you seen any of my houses? Peabs didn’t exactly buy those with “campaign funds,” so to spizz. Despite being a doctor, lawyer, publisher and model, most of my fortune has been amassed via the same way I plan to rejuvenate the economy: selling drugs and whores. Robvs.

Do you think the American people are ready for your style of speech which is colorful to say the least? Some say they can’t even handle their own language.

Peabs: Obvs. Uncle Grambo has already done a tigs job spreading my vernacular to the masses. America is primed and ready, like a virgin waiting to get effed by Cosby on prom night.

What is your position on immigration? Statistics obtained by 1115.org show that 19 out of every 32 prostitutes is in this country illegally. Dr Cosby,
don’t you think our domestic hookers should be given preference in any new
policy?

Coz: Bizzle bazzle!

What will be your first official foreign visit? What foreign leader will be
the first to visit you in the White House?

Peabs: I am figuring that right around time Peabs is elected, I am going to go on a ridunculous bender. Therefore, Peabs is gonna need to stock up on some high-grade European snatch and blow. Duh. So Amsterdam seems appropriate. First foreign leader to visit? Probably Mao. He brings the best “china,” if you know what Peabs means.

Article II Section I of the US Constitution states that to be President, a
person must be at least 35 years of age. Candidate Peabs, you are far too
pretty to be 35 years old. What do you say to this?

Peabs: Ummm, obvs? Yes. Obvs.

Dr Cosby’s former TV daughter Keisha Knight Pulliam is in a video with gangster rap star Chingy. Another of his former TV daughters, Lisa Bonet was seen in various states of undress with admitted psychopath Mickey Rourke in the movie Angel Heart. Are either of you concerned that your opponents will be able to make political hay out of these nefarious connections?

Peabs: I fucked their wives, Matt. I think we’re one-up on them.

There has been some debate recently regarding Howard Stern stealing your material or not stealing enough of it. What do you say to that?

Peabs: Peabs has always been a big fan of Howard’s. While I don’t feel he’s been stealing any material from me, or vice versa, it’s clear that’s he’s been misinformed about a lot of things. For instance, this whole “blumpkin” situation. Everyone knows that a “blumpkin” clearly involves the use of a crowbar (or another blunt object, a crowbar is just preferred) upon orgasm. If he’s willing, I’d love to have a sit down with Mr. Stern and discuss this matter. We could learn a lot from each other.

How would a three-way debate (NOTE: DEBATE!) go between The President, the junior Senator from Massachusetts and yourself?

Peabs: I think it would be fucking hot. Problem is, they would never go for it. Maybe it’s because they’re intimidated by my trademarked D, or my dashing good-looks. Or perhaps they think Peabs is a raving, self-obsessed, drug-addicted lunatic. Shmears.

Coz: IIIIIIIIIIII think it’s ’cause they don’t like to bozzle bop the Jelllllllll-Ooooooooooo puddin’ pop!

Dr Cosby, how do you feel you match up with Dick Cheney and an as yet unnamed Democratic vice presidential nominee?

Coz: Flozzum!

How does it feel to be the first blogger candidate?

Peabs: What the fuck is a blogger? Oh, one of those? Peabs fucking hates Franz Ferdinand, so I wouldn’t really classify me as a blogger.

You were both recently kidnapped. Is there any truth to the rumors that
your secret service detail was in a k-hole at the time of the kidnapping?

Peabs: If by k-hole you mean “purchasing ketamine for Peabs and Cosby,” then “yes.”

You certainly have many celebrity supporters. What draws them to you?

Peabs: Look at me. I’m fucking perfect. I can do as many drugs and fuck as many women as I want, and still function as an important figure in American culture. Who wouldn’t want to support Peabs? Plus, I party with Bill Cosby everyday. You try telling me Bob Downey isn’t effing jealous.

And in closing, exactly why should Americans who bother to go to the polls vote for Peabs/Coz?

Peabs: We’re pretty. We’re brilliant. We’re having more fun than you. Vote Peabs and Cosby, and we’ll share in the love. Obvs in ‘04.