1115.org

In the history of dieting in America, there seem to be three main truths. The first truth is that many Americans are gullible enough to jump onto any diet fad that floats by without doing any research. The second truth is that, with enough marketing muscle, any ridiculous idea can be turned into wads of cash by exploiting that gullibility. The third truth is that, given time, any “magic solution” for weight loss is sure to be exposed as a fraud.

This is why we have had the Grapefruit diet. The Miami Beach Diet. The Zone Diet. The Bread & Butter Diet. Even the Russian Airforce diet, which apparently does not involve waiting in mile-long lines to buy toilet paper. But the big daddy of today’s diet trends is the Atkins diet, which has turned seemingly-normal people into paranoid anti-carbohydrate lunatics. And it has gotten out of hand. Seriously.

78% Daily Value saturated fat, 53% DV sodium, 44% DV cholesterol. Aren’t you glad you’re eating healthy?

Any time that fast-food restaurants line up to create “diet friendly food”, it’s time to seriously rethink the diet strategy. But you can now go to any Burger King and order an Atkins-friendly Whopper, which is apparently nothing more than a normal Whopper minus the bun. You’re still eating a giant gooey mess of burger, lettuce, cheese, mayo, onions, pickles and tomatoes, but it somehow becomes healthy once a knife and fork are involved in the activity. Other burger chains are getting into the Atkins act by wrapping their burger guts in a lettuce leaf, which is kind of like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Of course, that pales in the awesome glow of the KFC “Eatin’ Chicken” ad campaign, which tried to make the case that a bucket of greasy fried chicken was a step toward a healthy lifestyle. After all, fried chicken is high in protein, which means that it is automatically good…right?

Meanwhile, the manufacturers of low-carb foods are laughing all the way to the bank. A pint of Atkins “Super Premium” ice cream costs about $6 at the local store, Atkins candy bars cost $2 each, and a six-pack of bagels will run you close to $7. Add that all up, and you’re talking about a serious grocery bill.

But hey, who cares when you’re getting thin? Well, it would help if people on Atkins weren’t so miserable. Let’s face it � trying to eat while avoiding carbohydrates is a major pain in the ass, and often results in broken promises. Maybe that’s why so many people consider themselves on “Modified Atkins”, where they occasionally break down and eat what they really want…but they can still SAY that they are doing the right thing. And sometimes people snap altogether, like when my stepfather was in California a few weeks ago. After suffering though months of Atkins at the request of my mother, he got his revenge at a dinner with Matt and me. After putting away a plate of pasta, and with some kind of elaborate dessert in front of him, he decided to call my mom from the table just to tell her all about it. “When you get to the level of sadism that I’m on,” he explained “You call your wife and tell her about the foods that she can’t eat”.

Luckily for my mom and the other people suffering through Atkins, the sound in the distance seems to be the other shoe dropping. A study released this week shows evidence that�whoops!�people on high-carb diets can lose weight as well. Is an all-bun Whopper far behind? Maybe KFC will come out with a chicken product made entirely of breading.

Maybe people should forget the fad diets and concentrate on the common-sense basics: moderation and exercise. But that’s so boring, and you can’t really build an infomercial around it. Oh well.