TP for my…uh, you know
by jamie at 5:50 am on January 6th, 2004 in General
The “can you spare a square?” edition
Due to coincidences of calendars this year, many of us have had some or all of the last two weeks off. I myself took 3 vacation days and managed to avoid the office for 12 whole days. I actually like my job and my main regret in going back to the office yesterday had nothing to do with my boss or waking up early - what I dread most is the bathroom.
I have always been obsessed with bathrooms. When I was a child we traveled a lot and the first thing I did upon arriving at a new hotel was check out the bathroom. I think I cared less about indoor/outdoor pools and game rooms than I did about timed orange heat lamps and parallel mirrors that turned my lone arm into a veritable kick line worthy of Radio City.
I have not outgrown this obsession, though I haven’t had much room to indulge it in my New York City apartments - but worse than any of my apartments is my office.
Oh, how I hate the office bathroom, let me count the ways:
(1) Going to the bathroom next to people you work with everyday is uncivilized. I liken it to having to live with someone you don’t know freshman year at college: manageable, but ripe with difficulties and at its worst, a little like SWF. There are certain people I am “on schedule with” - I run into them in the bathroom more than I should. It creeps me out.
I worked at an office once where you had to get a key to go to the bathroom at the end of the hall. This made it very easy to avoid peeing next to someone in your own office, instead you peed anonymously next to someone from another company. I liked that much better.
(2) It’s pretty difficult to soundproof a bathroom and nearly impossible to soundproof a stall. Our Business Office is right next to the bathroom - they play show tunes, pretty loudly, all day long. If you’re new at my company you think the business office is super cool, or pretty dorky, depending on how you feel about show tunes - it may take you a month or two to realize that they are just desperately trying to cover up the noise of their co-workers pooping.
(3) Automatic Flushing Toilets, need I say more? I mean, come on, what is up with these. Are we really that lazy? Can we really not be trusted to flush our own excrement? To make it worse, our auto-flush toilets have a mind of their own. Often they flush as you approach a stall and do not flush until a moment or two after you leave. Also, the water pressure in my office bathroom is enviable by New York City standards, however, if you approach a stall with a soiled toilet and it begins to flush you have to RUN out of the stall to avoid being sprayed with someone else’s urine or worse. The water pressure and random flushing also leaves the toilet seats wet on a regular basis - it’s vulgar, unsanitary and unpleasant.
(4) Cheap-Ass Toilet Paper. For all the money my company must have spent on state of the art self-flushing toilets, they are making up the savings with the toilet paper. I can’t even begin to explain how cheap it is, except to say I am almost nostalgic for the brown squares of newsprint that use to come out of the dispensers in middle school. While some of us bitch and moan about this in low murmured whispers, our toilet paper was officially called into question last month. One of my interns was in the bathroom washing her hands when she heard a frustration rattle coming from the first stall. She immediately recognized the sound as the familiar quest for toilet paper. She knew it well, as we all do - sometimes the roll wouldn’t turn at all, sometimes just a square would rip off at a time - frustration comes quick when you’re in such a compromised position. And then, as if in a dream she heard the voice of her childhood idol ask no one in particular, but my intern, by default, “Is the toilet paper in the place always so crappy?!” It seems Mary Tyler Moore needed a square.
While this simple interaction made my intern’s day, the crappy ass toilet paper, the overactive, auto-flush toilets and the proximity to my defecating colleagues ruins my day on a daily basis. I quit.
This may be a first in a series - if you want to hear more bathroom stories, let us know. If you have some of your own, please share. As I discussed my intention to write this article with someone at a party last week she said “make sure to put in a part about the after-coffee-purge period.” As I don’t drink morning coffee, I don’t know much about this phenomenon, but I’m sure some of you can help us fill in the gaps.
Signed truly, your servant, the girl who will talk about what other people won’t, Poopy McGee.
information leafblower wrote:
My rule for #2 is simple
Only residential toilets, never commercial ones.
I don’t drink coffee either so I can’t help you there
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 8:53 am ¶
jamie wrote:
my grandmother never used a commercial toilet - it was uncanny - and when i say never, i mean never. no wonder i am obsessed with toilets. once, she visited me at a house i was living in during college and i spent 3 hours cleaning a very small bathroom in preparation for her visit.
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 9:03 am ¶
Forager wrote:
I dunno… maybe it’s because I’m in a large office building and the restrooms are outside of offices and in the main hallway… but I’ve never had a problem with office bathrooms.
I figure it’s like Vegas, what happens in the office bathroom stays in the office bathroom.
…plus you can shit (no pun intended) the place up as much as you want and it’s like brand new the next day when you arrive! haha
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 11:35 am ¶
jamie wrote:
do you think britney thought the same about vegas?
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 12:12 pm ¶
matt wrote:
Like the man said, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and I am 100% fine with that rule.
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 12:19 pm ¶
Peabs wrote:
I haven’t a probs shitting anywhere, but then again I have overactive bowels and a raging coke problem. Regardless, this was a laugh out loud post. And when I say “laugh out loud,” I’m not talking LOL- officially the only acronym Peabs HATES and does not endorse- or whatevs those damn 13 year old instant messagers use when gossiping about Brit Brit. (I’m lookin’ at you, Uncle Grambo!)
Obvs.
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 1:10 pm ¶
jamie wrote:
I have to tell you all, I sent a link to the post to some of my co-workers (very few) and as they were reading it they were unaware that *I* had written it about our company (until the Mary Tyler Moore line)) and they were like “this sounds SO familiar!” I find the uninitiated SO funny!
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 1:25 pm ¶
Uncle Grambo wrote:
If peeing your pants is cool, then I’m Miles Davis!
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 2:41 pm ¶
Greedo wrote:
I’m totally on schedule with my boss, and he’s the WORST toilet talker. Even i’m downloading a brown file in the stall. The dude sees my feet and then starts asking me about the weather, my health, last night’s episode of ‘24,’ how it’s all coming out.
Typical Dialogue-
Solbergstein*: Hanrahan, that you in there? Wierd weather today, huh, cold as shit.
Me: Not in here.
Solbergstein: You keeping busy?
Me: I am now.
Solbergstein: Right. How do you think Jack’s gonna get out of this one?
Me: Huh, what? Dude, I’m on the freakin’ toilet! My office is next to yours, ask me about last night’s TV when my pants aren’t around my ankles.
*All names have been changed to protect the innocent, and GUILTY.
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 3:14 pm ¶
Flinch wrote:
I lived in Tokyo and at my firm, the women’s bathroom had toilets with heated adjustable water spray for bathing both front and back “parts”. The toilet seats could be heated,for those colder months, and on some models with a push of a button, a paper cover would roll out onto your toilet seat for you. Oh and you could press the music button and the sound of flushing water would play. Seriously, you could do all of this from a keypad next to the toilet!
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 3:16 pm ¶
dizz wrote:
Barb,
you should be happy for self flushing toilets. I am. People can’t seem to figure out when you drop a deuce, you flush. This goes for men and women. I have unfortunate expierence in this area.
I am one that embraces the self flush system. Give that man an award!.
Whens the wedding.
;-)
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 6:19 pm ¶
Forager wrote:
Flinch, I had the same experience in Japan. Those toilets are way cool. You can even adjust the bidet spray for hot and cold and forward and backward on a lot of them. It’s insane!
By the way I noticed your email addr - Go Gauchos!
Posted 06 Jan 2004 at 7:25 pm ¶
Steve wrote:
REL Your toilet article dated January 06, 2004 -
“TP for my…uh, you know”. A question re NYC toilets. I have encountered 2 situations where toilet paper is not allowed to be flushed in the toilet, one place in Queens and one midtown. In both cases, a wastebasket with a cover is near the toilet. Is there a problem with the city’s water pressure or something? Any insights into how widespread this disgusting phenomenon is? And others reactions to it? :~)
Posted 12 Dec 2004 at 4:47 pm ¶