I bomb atomically, Socrates’ philosophies
and hypothesis can’t define how I be droppin these
mockeries, lyrically perform armed robbery – Inspectah Deck on “Triumph”

If you ever need any proof that humans are stupid, cruel and inconsiderate, go to a major urban downtown area (or a mall for that matter) on the weekend after Christmas. Under ordinary circumstances I’d skip it, but I’m trying to stimulate the economy as much as possible, so when the previously mentioned iPod Chick called with an invitation to rampant consumerism, I decided that I was approximately bored enough to go.

Upon taking my first breath of fresh air after braving the car park, we were accosted by an “activist” who was shouting the evils of the Bush administration. “Dick Cheney is the Grand Inquisitor”. “Don Rumsfeld is Saddam‘s concubine”. He was yelling other things as well, but they defied comprehension.

Feeling especially irritated that this lunchbox was both yelling and preaching to the choir, I proceeded to defend the administration with vigor I can rarely muster. After a minute or so, a crowd had gathered to watch what they must have thought was a Young Republican (me!) hand some crazy Green a crushing verbal beatdown. The guy kept moving to cover up a poster of the Prez sodomizing Pat Robertson.

While I don’t think I made any new friends, I’m pretty sure that I won some people over. Damn Marin Hot Tubbers. It’s really getting more and more difficult for me to decide who i dislike more; the far left or the far right.

After this impromptu shapeshifting, it was time for commerce. Three hours downtown and all I could manage was 4 rolls of black & white film and a bunch of black & blue bruises from aggressive shoppers. Yes, I am leading this country to recovery all by myself. Luckily my slack shopping performance was counterbalanced by Ms. iPod who seemed intent on setting some kind of record. Luckily we stayed out of music related stores so I was able to avoid further dissing her music taste. With the mission accomplished, we headed back to the car. I was shocked and disappointed when I saw that the Green’s finest was no longer standing his post.

So, the moral of the story is: The Left has been driven insane by the Right, women like shoes A LOT, post-holiday shopping is a full-contact activity, and if you pay attention to only one thing I say: Stay away from the beef.