1115.org

Posted by Munee Cashilini

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t share my investment strategy with the general public, but I read about this one in a magazine, so it isn’t really mine.
Those know-nothing know-it-alls Matt and Jason would probably have you invest in some namby-pamby socially conscious fund that puts money in environmentally friendly, non-sweat shop, pro-worker companies.

Now, a high-roller such as myself doesn’t care about where the money goes as long as I get the juice. As soon as I heard about this fund, I knew I had a winner.

Alcohol? Check
Tobacco? Check
Gambling? Check
Aerospace and Defense? Since it’s included, who am I to turn it down.

“It is our philosophy that although often considered politically incorrect, these and similar industries and products…will continue to experience significant capital appreciation during good and bad markets. We consider these industries to be nearly ‘recession-proof.’” - Vice Fund Prospectus

Since I spend most of my time at Caesar’s Palace playing Texas Hold ‘Em, smoking a big fat Montecristo and slugging back glasses of Johnnie Walker Blue Label, this fund is perfect for me. All they need to do is figure out how to invest in the companies that make all of my bling, and I’d be fully covered.

So the whiners that run this site would probably say that I’m contributing to alcoholism, health problems associated with smoking, compulsive gambling, and war. Yeah, what’s your point, bitches? This fund has outperformed the market by 17% this year.

Now if you don’t mind, there are some cocktail waitresses that require my attention.